My spirit is tender...

So...Hi!  Right now, I am actively procrastinating.  I am supposed to be spending the evening doing laundry and working on my grad school application for Regent University's Master of Arts in Organizational Leadership.  However, in the two hours since I've been home, I have only filled out my transcript request forms for CNU and UR, again.  (The first time I requested transcripts, I decided not to read the directions from Regent...oops.) 

I don't know why I have so much trouble applying myself sometimes.  Probably because I have a subconscious block.  Oh well, it will get done. 

Since I'm on here I will give you a brief (yeah right, nothing that I write is brief :) ) update...

I am still working in the Department of Alumni Relations and University Events at CNU.  Commencement is fast approaching and so we are working on those upcoming events, as well as planning for CNU's 50th Anniversary that we will begin celebrating in the fall.  There is lots to do and lots of excitement on campus.  There are buildings that are being completed, and talk of the next project to break ground on. 

This time of year always makes me wonder, as the world blooms and awakens, what is God growing and awakening in me and in those around me.  I am a little sad this year.  I have friends that are growing up and will be moving on and some that will be staying around, just in a different capacity.  My sadness is not because of the transition, but because I am acutely aware of the passing of time.  This June is my 10yr high school reunion (that I am supposed to be planning.... :/ ) and I have been at or around CNU for 9 of those 10yrs.  I'm not so young anymore.  In fact, it continuously amazes me sometimes when I realize over and over again that one of our interns is 10years younger than me.  When I was a freshman in college, she was in third grade. 

Now, I know that I am not that old and I'm not saying that I am, I 'm just saying that I am aware of the years passing like I never have been before. 

On a different note, I am 32 days into a 100day journey with God.  This 100day journey concept came about when I was at home over winter break (yes, I get a winter break...one of the perks of working at a state university), when I found out about one of my parents friends who had done 100 Days of Inspiration.  The thought intrigued me.  And then in January, I was talking to one of my friends and he was praying about giving up alcohol for 100days.  So, the 100day concept came up again.  I thought it was a cool idea, but just kind of shrugged it off.  I did not think that I would be able to commit to anything like that.  

Over the next few weeks, the thought of 100days kept coming up in my mind.  In January I was asked to help with worship for a youth retreat at our church in February.  I said yes, thinking that I would just be singing and showing up for practice and the retreat, like I had done before.  However, God has a sense of humor.  As time passed and the retreat drew closer, I became aware of the reality that I was responsible for not only assembling the people to lead worship, but also with coming up with the set lists.  That's right lists...as in 5 different sets over 2 days.  Now, had I known an established worship group that would not have been a problem, but I just had random people who I knew loved Jesus and loved worship and had various talents--vocal and instrumental.  Needless to say, God made his presence known leading up to the Retreat.  He placed songs in my path and on my heart and he orchestrated for one of my friends to play guitar with us on Friday night.  And get this, it was only her second time playing in public.  God is good.  He was with us through that entire process and he broke me in that process.  I am very used to singing in front of people.  And doing it without preparation.  God knew that I needed to dig in.  He knew that I needed to be in a place of leadership with doing worship for the retreat because that was the only way that He was going to get my attention.  Arranging a group, choosing music, scheduling and holding practice, and then leading it all on stage....all things that are completely out of my comfort zone.  Way outside of my comfort zone, but the reality is that my God is bigger than my comfort zone.  He knew that I would run to him in the process of that preparation.  He knew that I knew that I was incapable of doing it on my own.  And he spoke to me and ministered to me in the process. 

During that weekend God revealed his plan for my 100day journey...focus: on who God is, while journeying through the Psalms and using the creativity and love for hands on to create daily.  My 100days began on Monday, February 21 (exactly one week after I turned 28) and will end on Tuesday, May 31 (the last day of my contract at CNU for the 2010-2011 school year----not a coincidence).  He has continually revealed himself to me throughout these past thirty two days.  He is showing me piece by piece, sometimes moment by moment, who it is that he has created me to be.  I am learning and growing and he is shaping me into the woman that he wants me to be and it is so sweet.  He has been so merciful and gracious in my life and I am thankful beyond words. 

Some days, I find myself in tears for no obvious reason at all, then that He is speaking to my heart and tears are my physical response.  This morning our admin assistant (Kim) came in (we share an office) and I was sniffling.  She asked if I was crying or if my nose was running.  I honestly answered that it was a little bit of both.  You see, this morning I was not feeling so well when I woke up.  I did not go workout before work like I usually would, I just took my time and went into work.  Right before Kim got there, I check my facebook and saw that I had a message from a friend who is traveling in South America.  His message was simple, it just said that he had thought of me this morning, he asked how I was and shared that He is great. And that the freedom that he is experiencing is phenomenal!  Now, let me say this, this friend is the one who mentioned to me that he was going to be giving up alcohol for 100days and he is one of the ones who helped to plant the seed for this 100day journey in my head.  God works full circle even when we don't see it. 

I am daily amazed at how mighty, awesome, gentle and loving my God is.  He is present all day, every day.  And he loves me despite my mess. 

I am thoroughly enjoying this journey and I look forward to what God has for me as I press on.  I welcome questions, comments, prayer requests and prayer for me.  I would love to make time to get together to find out what God is doing in your life.  He is moving.  Open your eyes and look for Him.

Soli Deo Gloria.


FREE.
 (in an ocean of happy tears)

=>h

2011....WOW

So, as I sit in my office at work waiting for 5 o'clock to arrive, I realize that my day has been spent primarily on internet investigation.  By that I mean that I have been perusing websites...of photographers, of shirt makers, of newly engaged couples, of designers, etc...  I am in the process of trying to figure out how to launch my umbrella business...so that I can be successful doing the things that I love.  What do I mean by being successful you ask.  I mean having enough that I am not worried or better put, caught up in making sure that ends meet each month.  I mean enjoying what I do everyday and giving back to the people around me.  

Why do I bring all of this up in a blog entitled "2011...WOW"?  Because this is the year to make it happen.  I have dabbled in it all for several years now and its just time.  Afterall, my first wedding was 4 years ago and I worked in coffee shops for 6 years before and during college and I have loved making things for other people since I was little and for some reason, that I have yet to put my finger on people seem to like my sense of style and want me to dress them....so...all of that taken in to consideration, I am ready.  I am done getting in my own way.  I need to do this.  For me.  And for God's glory.  Don't get me wrong, I know that He will use me wherever he puts me, but I would love to use the talents and gifts that I love to use to further the Kingdom.  

It has been refreshing to look at the different ways that people do things differently.  (Yes, I meant to say it that way.)  I thoroughly enjoy the differences that make us unique individuals.  I look forward to cultivating those differences in myself and in other people as I continue developing and learning about who God has created me to be.  I look forward to the challenges (I may not be happy that I said that later in the year...) and the triumphs that 2011 will bring.  I know that God is in complete and total control, but that I also have to get off of my behind and do some work.  I look forward to that as well.  

My dad is reading a book that talks about the flattening of the earth and how much technology is uniting us worldwide.  In what he has read, he mentioned to me that the thing that is making things so much more interesting now, is that the big difference between people doing things and machines doing things is creativity.  I have always loved that word.  More than anything to me, it speaks of freedom.  I guess in a way I truly feel free when I am given the opportunity to create.  And more than anything, I love to create beauty.  Whether its, doing a lady's makeup for a special event, or organizing the bridal party before everyone walks down the isle, or preparing a wonderful meal for someone to enjoy, or making a beautiful trinket for someone to display in their home, I love to create (sometimes transform) beautiful things.  

Well I have rambled more than enough for one afternoon.  Besides...its almost time to go home.  

So I leave you with this that my friend, Krista McSweeney, posted on her Facebook page:

"live boldly, laugh loudly, love truly, play as often as you can" 

That is what I plan to spend the rest of the day doing... playing...and creating beauty while I do it.

=>h

free. to play. to create.

Not okay.

Aside from the reality that everyday has its ups and downs, I have come to the end of my proverbial rope.  I am so so tired of trying to fix things for the rest of the world.  I am not Ms. Fix-It.  I will admit that I do enjoy being in control, but I am not the end all and be all.  I do not have all of the answers.  Stop Asking Me!!! 

When will someone else ask what they can fix for me?  And ask before I actually say something about it, but when they sense that something is off with me.  Today, I am not okay. 

I am tired.  I am broken.  I am worn down.  And to think I have been wondering so much why I've been 'sickly' lately.  All of the previous statements add up to a lack of health. 

I want to feel good.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to be able to use my gifts and talents to help others with a cheerful heart and not because they need me so much that they are draining me.  I want to live in an uplifting environment that is 100% open.  I hate closed doors.  I don't want to feel like it is my responsibility to take care of people that are grown.  I just want to get along with people.  I just want to get my other business up and running.  I know there are a lot of things that I want.  The main thing is just to feel at peace.  With myself.  With my environment.  With my relationships. 

And yes, I know that In Christ Alone my hope is found.  I'm just struggling today.  It will be okay.  It will be more that okay.  It will be wonderful, but right now, its not and that is the reality that faces me today.

For those who thought that just because my name is Happy, I would be happy all of the time...let me ask:  are you happy all of the time?

God is in control and has my best in mind.  He will take care of me as he has many many times before and will continue to do in the future. 

=>h
FREE...but in need of peace.

and so it goes.

So while I was on the way to work from getting my hair done this morning, I saw it on the side of the road....another sign, in a completely different part of town than the ones I saw last night. Actually it was three signs. They said "You are loved" "for ever" "and ever". They made me smile.

I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the morning with a beautiful sister in Christ and in Mary Kay. It was wonderful to be in her home and to feel the peace that we only get from being in God's presence. We had wonderful conversation and I look forward to seeing what roads this friendship will travel.

This evening, I have the amazing pleasure of being able to serve at the CNU Board of Visitors dinner. I know a few of the board members and am looking forward to seeing them and to just enjoying my time with them. Today has been a good day. I have been able to enjoy classical music all day. I was able to make the phone calls that I needed to make for CNU. And the best part was that I woke up this morning in my right mind.

Strange to say that huh? Well, something my friend Ashley posted the other day on her Facebook page made me think of it. She said this

"I get to run with my sister this morning. Yes I just said - I GET TO run! Not

everyone wakes up with that opportunity each day. Sometimes I feel so

fortunate to be able to run...or even walk. Remember to count your blessing,

no matter what they may be!"

It really makes me stop and realize that I am blessed beyond measure. I know that the Lord has done, is doing and will continue to do great things in and through me.

=>h

so yeah today, for the first time in a while I really am              FREE.

Life Keeps Going...

So, I have been in a retrospective place lately in life.  This is where I am right now...(yes, I know its long...)

Life is what you make it.  We’ve all heard it before, but how long has it been since you actually lived it?  As I was driving home from choir rehearsal tonight in somewhat of a questionable mood, I noticed a sign along the side of the road.  It read “very much” and had two balloons, one red and one pink, tied to it.  I was confused.  About 300ft later there was another sign that said “you are amazing” with the same red and pink balloons.  There were various signs for about a mile.  The others said things like “you are kind” and “you are generous”.  They caught my attention.  White signs with black lettering and a red balloon and a pink balloon.  Simple, but extremely profound.  No, these signs were not in my neighborhood, put up by one of my neighbors.  They were on the side of Warwick Blvd, one of the main thoroughfares in Newport News.  So often we go through life with blinders on oblivious to the rest of the world because we are so caught up in our own chaos.  Then every once in a while something hits us upside the head.  These signs were my hit upside the head tonight.  And a welcome hit at that.  I have spent the past few months focused on me and my issues and challenges and decisions and choices.  I have closed myself off from people that I love and care about and people that love and care about me.  Its time for me to tune back into life around me.  I know from previous experience that my life will continue with more balance and stability when I focus on the people around me and not on myself. 

At what point in life did you decide that it was okay to let other people and society dictate to you your dreams?  I am still fighting the battle to do the things I love without feeling like I am not going to be able to make ends meet.  Without feeling like I am going to let people down.  Without feeling like I will be selling out or even slacking off by pursuing the things that I love. 

I love people.  I love making people happy.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I love making people see that they can believe in themselves and that they are better than other people have lead them to believe.  I love turning things that may be viewed as trash into precious treasures.  I love doing things with my hands.  I love the look on a woman’s face when she really sees for the first time that she is a beautiful daughter of the King, not only on the inside but also on the outside.  I love it when I can help a woman choose an outfit that she loves herself in, not because she can hide in it, but because it truly reflects the soul within her.  I love dropping off random gifts at people’s homes and making unexpected drop in visits.  I love keeping apartments and houses tidy and making them live larger than you ever thought possible.  I love good movies…actually I just love movies, they do not necessarily have to be good.  I love having time and the desire to prepare food for other people.  I love to entertain, but I also love to spend time by myself.  I love it when people RSVP.  I love to get ‘snail mail’.  I have an enormous amount of respect for my parents, and pray that one day I will be as good a parent to my children as they have been and continue to be to me.  I love having the financial means to give not only monetarily to those in need, but even to give of something that I purchased for myself  that someone else loves when they see it.  I love providing the unexpected.  I love surprising people.  I love surprises.  I love paper and fabric.  I love sunshine.  I also love rain.  I love to sing in public bathrooms (the acoustics are usually great because of the tiled walls and floors).  I love to walk around barefoot.  I love to drive with the windows down, even if it makes my hair stand up all over the place.  I love the word ‘free’.  I also love the word ‘clearance’.  I love thrift stores and yard sales.  I love shopping with my mom.  I love driving and walking around with my dad.  I love books and reading.  I love magazines that address one topic, i.e. fashion or home décor/design or news.  I love the beach.  I do not need to get in the water to enjoy my time there.  I just need to be close to the water.  I love the smell and taste of coffee anytime of the day and year round.  I love homemade food.  I enjoy riding but prefer not to drive unless I am on the highway and then I love to drive.  I love finding amazing deals in places that most people never stop to take the time to look.  I love *tasteful* graffiti.  I love houses, even if they are not mine.  I love summer days, but I love fall mornings and spring afternoons.  I love clear winter night skies.  I love seeing the clouds on the moon.  I love sunglasses.  I love high heels.  I love smiling.    

Thank you Jesus for all of the people/things I love.

I fail to let people know how much I value them in my life.  I fail to show emotion as much as some people would like.  I fail to confront situations head on.  Instead I let them build until I cannot take it any more and I usually blow up.  I am working on that.  I fail to trust that people are capable, especially once they have let me down the first time.  I fail to give people the shadow of the doubt.  I fail to receive graciously, yet I expect others to.  I fail to truly live up to my name recently.  I love my name and the happiness that it brings others when they find out what it is.  I fail to remember and celebrate birthdays of those in my life, not because I do not know or do not have it written on my calendar, but because I find myself so self absorbed that I usually remember the day after. 

Thank you Jesus for all of the things at which I fail. 

I just about lost it.  My computer blue screened.  I hadn’t saved anything.  Thank God that the computer saved most of it. 

Jesus, I am a mess.  I am tired of giving up and backing down because somewhere along the line, someone told me or I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough at x or wasn’t capable enough to follow y through.  Lord, Psalm 3 says that you sustain me and you do, but Lord, I am tired of being sustained.  I want to thrive!  At what point in life do I get to soar?  I feel like my wings are clipped and like I get my feet off of the ground every once in a while, but then I get pulled back down and held down.  Jesus, I want to do great things for You.  I want to use the gifts and talents and abilities that you have given me to bring You glory.  Lord, I want to be the person helping other people to clue in to the reality that life is not about them, instead of being the person that always needs other people to clue me in.  Jesus, I want ‘he tangata’ to ring true in everything that I do, because it is true.  Life is not about me.  It is about being Christ to the people that come in contact with me.  I do not want to be cynical and judgmental.  I want to be honest and truthful but I want to be graceful and kind in my delivery.  Lord, I know that you made each of us different and I know that I do not fit the mold that I probably think I should fit.  Lord, thank you for making me different.  Please help me to see how to use my differences effectively to be a light.  Lord, mold and shape me to be the best me that I can be.  I don’t want to be anyone else.  Once more, for my own benefit, I DON’T WANT TO BE ANYONE ELSE.  I am HAPPY MATTEA DARCUS.  The one and only and you created me for a specific purpose.  Lord, continue to open my eyes.  Reveal to me your purpose for my life and my role in the lives of the people around me.  Jesus, correct me where I need correcting.  Give me boldness and push me in the direction(s) that I need to be pushed.  Help me to go to bed earlier, so that I can get up earlier and to get sound sleep at night so that I may face each day revived and ready to meet whatever comes at me head on.  Lord, I pray for clarity and focus.  That I would be attentive to the task at hand and complete it in a timely and efficient manner.  Lord, that your will would be done in my life even if my will gets in the way.  That you would give me a hunger for you so much.  That you would help me to be loving in my conversations and interactions with the people that I love and that you would open up doors and windows and cracks and crevices to make those relationships better.  Thank you Jesus for surrounding me with people who love You and who love me.  Thank you for your new mercies every single morning.  God you are awesome.  And you are faithful.  Soli Deo Gloria.

=>h

Still Hanging On...

Sometimes I feel like I only write when things are looking a little grey.  So, I bought a used dryer today, because we need one in our apartment.  That is just the facts, if I were to really tell you how I feel about the whole dryer situation, feelings would be hurt.  So, that is where I will leave it. 


Life these days is sometimes interesting and sometimes boring.  I spend a lot of time by myself.  I have been cooking more though.  I made a apple pie type dessert earlier this week and empenadas.  They were good. 

In the boringness of life lately, I have had a lot of time to think.  No revelations.  Just lots of thoughts running through my head. 

I'm not going to Dallas this summer.  It really was going to be one of the highlights of my summer, but I failed to plan well.  Yes, I did plan, but as we all know 'the best laid plans often fail'.  Now that that plan has 'failed' (for lack of a better way to put it), I am thinking that I will spend some time next week in Charlottesville and Richmond.  It would be good to escape Newport News for a while.  Hopefully, I will still be able to go to Nags Head for at least a few days, before I dive back into the black hole that is employment at CNU.  Wow, I'm just extra cheerful today.  Let's see if I can change veins a little....

Good things that happened today:
I was able to borrow a truck and enlist help to move the dryer. 
I was able to spend some time with Kristen Collins, while she was preparing to move. 
I revived my basil from heat exhaustion.
I started on my next hat for heros.
I began the process of hanging frames for my wall mural collection.
I woke up this morning and have had some time to spend with Justin. 
I ran into Sharron at Michaels and got to catch up a little bit.


All in all I have nothing valid to complain about.  Yes, things have not gone completely my way today and yes, if I had it to do again I would probably change some things, but overall I cannot complain.  I have clothes on my body, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am loved.  I know that Jesus will provide for my every need as He has graciously done countless times before.  I know that He will go before me, come after me, and surround me in every situation that I encounter. 

He will be and always is faithful, even when I fail Him. 

Soli Deo Gloria.

Deuces.  Night.

Free... to grow and change and question and ponder and observe and move.

New Apt....New Season

Sleepy.  I really should be going to bed right now.  I will in a few minutes.

So, I have moved.  It was time.  I'm holding true to my once a year move.  Its kind of weird because its almost like I start getting the 'time to move' bug around mid-March every year.  I have to say that I will be very glad when I am able to purchase a house and put down my own 'real' roots.  Life will change so much for me then.  It will be wonderful!!!


I feel like I'm running again.  I don't really know what from or what to, but I am running.  I find that I have been getting like this more and more.  I miss the me that stood up to situations and people.  The me that was motivated and believed in myself.  The me that took the Bible as the truth that it is but that really let it affect me.  I miss the me that let people in and that reacted to them.

Today, I watched Ocean's Thirteen and as the movie is ending one of the characters says "The moment you become embarrassed of who you are, you lose yourself."  That sentence always strikes something in me, but today it struck particularly hard.  It really makes me wonder if I am embarrassed of who I am.  Am I embarrassed of who God has crafted and created me to be?  Am I actually trying (and failing miserably) to run from myself?

This whole running thing was a part of my devotional a few days ago.  The reference was 1 Corinthians 9:19-27 and it spoke about running in such a way to receive the prize.  I was a collegiate athlete, a runner.  I know what it means to run to receive the prize.  I have done it.  The movie referenced in the devotional was Chariots of Fire.  It is about runners getting ready for the 1924 Olympics.  There is one runner Harold Abrahams, who loses a race in the prelims and says that if he can't win, then he doesn't want to runner.  His wise girlfriend says "if you don't run, you can't win".  That is somewhat how I have been feeling lately.  I don't think that I can win and so instead of trying anyway, I'm just not running.

I cannot tell you the last time I threw my heart over the line for someone or something.  I don't remember.

I have come to the realization that not only do I not feel like running right now, but if I did run, what would I be running for?  I talk a lot of big talk about Mary Kay.  I enjoy it and believe that it has the ability to help me to reach other goals in my life.  Is it wrong of me to use it as a means toward the end?  I also talk about the coffee shop and art gallery/store that I want to own one day, but am I doing anything to make it happen now?  Nope. 

The big question is:
Am I even running now?  If so, am I running with a prize in mind or am I running aimlessly?

in this moment, i just don't know.

PRAY.

for FREE.