So while I was on the way to work from getting my hair done this morning, I saw it on the side of the road....another sign, in a completely different part of town than the ones I saw last night. Actually it was three signs. They said "You are loved" "for ever" "and ever". They made me smile.
I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the morning with a beautiful sister in Christ and in Mary Kay. It was wonderful to be in her home and to feel the peace that we only get from being in God's presence. We had wonderful conversation and I look forward to seeing what roads this friendship will travel.
This evening, I have the amazing pleasure of being able to serve at the CNU Board of Visitors dinner. I know a few of the board members and am looking forward to seeing them and to just enjoying my time with them. Today has been a good day. I have been able to enjoy classical music all day. I was able to make the phone calls that I needed to make for CNU. And the best part was that I woke up this morning in my right mind.
Strange to say that huh? Well, something my friend Ashley posted the other day on her Facebook page made me think of it. She said this
"I get to run with my sister this morning. Yes I just said - I GET TO run! Not
everyone wakes up with that opportunity each day. Sometimes I feel so
fortunate to be able to run...or even walk. Remember to count your blessing,
no matter what they may be!"
It really makes me stop and realize that I am blessed beyond measure. I know that the Lord has done, is doing and will continue to do great things in and through me.
=>h
so yeah today, for the first time in a while I really am FREE.
So, I have been in a retrospective place lately in life. This is where I am right now...(yes, I know its long...)
Life is what you make it. We’ve all heard it before, but how long has it been since you actually lived it? As I was driving home from choir rehearsal tonight in somewhat of a questionable mood, I noticed a sign along the side of the road. It read “very much” and had two balloons, one red and one pink, tied to it. I was confused. About 300ft later there was another sign that said “you are amazing” with the same red and pink balloons. There were various signs for about a mile. The others said things like “you are kind” and “you are generous”. They caught my attention. White signs with black lettering and a red balloon and a pink balloon. Simple, but extremely profound. No, these signs were not in my neighborhood, put up by one of my neighbors. They were on the side of Warwick Blvd, one of the main thoroughfares in Newport News. So often we go through life with blinders on oblivious to the rest of the world because we are so caught up in our own chaos. Then every once in a while something hits us upside the head. These signs were my hit upside the head tonight. And a welcome hit at that. I have spent the past few months focused on me and my issues and challenges and decisions and choices. I have closed myself off from people that I love and care about and people that love and care about me. Its time for me to tune back into life around me. I know from previous experience that my life will continue with more balance and stability when I focus on the people around me and not on myself.
At what point in life did you decide that it was okay to let other people and society dictate to you your dreams? I am still fighting the battle to do the things I love without feeling like I am not going to be able to make ends meet. Without feeling like I am going to let people down. Without feeling like I will be selling out or even slacking off by pursuing the things that I love.
I love people. I love making people happy. It is both a blessing and a curse. I love making people see that they can believe in themselves and that they are better than other people have lead them to believe. I love turning things that may be viewed as trash into precious treasures. I love doing things with my hands. I love the look on a woman’s face when she really sees for the first time that she is a beautiful daughter of the King, not only on the inside but also on the outside. I love it when I can help a woman choose an outfit that she loves herself in, not because she can hide in it, but because it truly reflects the soul within her. I love dropping off random gifts at people’s homes and making unexpected drop in visits. I love keeping apartments and houses tidy and making them live larger than you ever thought possible. I love good movies…actually I just love movies, they do not necessarily have to be good. I love having time and the desire to prepare food for other people. I love to entertain, but I also love to spend time by myself. I love it when people RSVP. I love to get ‘snail mail’. I have an enormous amount of respect for my parents, and pray that one day I will be as good a parent to my children as they have been and continue to be to me. I love having the financial means to give not only monetarily to those in need, but even to give of something that I purchased for myself that someone else loves when they see it. I love providing the unexpected. I love surprising people. I love surprises. I love paper and fabric. I love sunshine. I also love rain. I love to sing in public bathrooms (the acoustics are usually great because of the tiled walls and floors). I love to walk around barefoot. I love to drive with the windows down, even if it makes my hair stand up all over the place. I love the word ‘free’. I also love the word ‘clearance’. I love thrift stores and yard sales. I love shopping with my mom. I love driving and walking around with my dad. I love books and reading. I love magazines that address one topic, i.e. fashion or home décor/design or news. I love the beach. I do not need to get in the water to enjoy my time there. I just need to be close to the water. I love the smell and taste of coffee anytime of the day and year round. I love homemade food. I enjoy riding but prefer not to drive unless I am on the highway and then I love to drive. I love finding amazing deals in places that most people never stop to take the time to look. I love *tasteful* graffiti. I love houses, even if they are not mine. I love summer days, but I love fall mornings and spring afternoons. I love clear winter night skies. I love seeing the clouds on the moon. I love sunglasses. I love high heels. I love smiling.
Thank you Jesus for all of the people/things I love.
I fail to let people know how much I value them in my life. I fail to show emotion as much as some people would like. I fail to confront situations head on. Instead I let them build until I cannot take it any more and I usually blow up. I am working on that. I fail to trust that people are capable, especially once they have let me down the first time. I fail to give people the shadow of the doubt. I fail to receive graciously, yet I expect others to. I fail to truly live up to my name recently. I love my name and the happiness that it brings others when they find out what it is. I fail to remember and celebrate birthdays of those in my life, not because I do not know or do not have it written on my calendar, but because I find myself so self absorbed that I usually remember the day after.
Thank you Jesus for all of the things at which I fail.
I just about lost it. My computer blue screened. I hadn’t saved anything. Thank God that the computer saved most of it.
Jesus, I am a mess. I am tired of giving up and backing down because somewhere along the line, someone told me or I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough at x or wasn’t capable enough to follow y through. Lord, Psalm 3 says that you sustain me and you do, but Lord, I am tired of being sustained. I want to thrive! At what point in life do I get to soar? I feel like my wings are clipped and like I get my feet off of the ground every once in a while, but then I get pulled back down and held down. Jesus, I want to do great things for You. I want to use the gifts and talents and abilities that you have given me to bring You glory. Lord, I want to be the person helping other people to clue in to the reality that life is not about them, instead of being the person that always needs other people to clue me in. Jesus, I want ‘he tangata’ to ring true in everything that I do, because it is true. Life is not about me. It is about being Christ to the people that come in contact with me. I do not want to be cynical and judgmental. I want to be honest and truthful but I want to be graceful and kind in my delivery. Lord, I know that you made each of us different and I know that I do not fit the mold that I probably think I should fit. Lord, thank you for making me different. Please help me to see how to use my differences effectively to be a light. Lord, mold and shape me to be the best me that I can be. I don’t want to be anyone else. Once more, for my own benefit, I DON’T WANT TO BE ANYONE ELSE. I am HAPPY MATTEA DARCUS. The one and only and you created me for a specific purpose. Lord, continue to open my eyes. Reveal to me your purpose for my life and my role in the lives of the people around me. Jesus, correct me where I need correcting. Give me boldness and push me in the direction(s) that I need to be pushed. Help me to go to bed earlier, so that I can get up earlier and to get sound sleep at night so that I may face each day revived and ready to meet whatever comes at me head on. Lord, I pray for clarity and focus. That I would be attentive to the task at hand and complete it in a timely and efficient manner. Lord, that your will would be done in my life even if my will gets in the way. That you would give me a hunger for you so much. That you would help me to be loving in my conversations and interactions with the people that I love and that you would open up doors and windows and cracks and crevices to make those relationships better. Thank you Jesus for surrounding me with people who love You and who love me. Thank you for your new mercies every single morning. God you are awesome. And you are faithful. Soli Deo Gloria.
Sometimes I feel like I only write when things are looking a little grey. So, I bought a used dryer today, because we need one in our apartment. That is just the facts, if I were to really tell you how I feel about the whole dryer situation, feelings would be hurt. So, that is where I will leave it.
Life these days is sometimes interesting and sometimes boring. I spend a lot of time by myself. I have been cooking more though. I made a apple pie type dessert earlier this week and empenadas. They were good.
In the boringness of life lately, I have had a lot of time to think. No revelations. Just lots of thoughts running through my head.
I'm not going to Dallas this summer. It really was going to be one of the highlights of my summer, but I failed to plan well. Yes, I did plan, but as we all know 'the best laid plans often fail'. Now that that plan has 'failed' (for lack of a better way to put it), I am thinking that I will spend some time next week in Charlottesville and Richmond. It would be good to escape Newport News for a while. Hopefully, I will still be able to go to Nags Head for at least a few days, before I dive back into the black hole that is employment at CNU. Wow, I'm just extra cheerful today. Let's see if I can change veins a little....
Good things that happened today:
I was able to borrow a truck and enlist help to move the dryer.
I was able to spend some time with Kristen Collins, while she was preparing to move.
I revived my basil from heat exhaustion.
I started on my next hat for heros.
I began the process of hanging frames for my wall mural collection.
I woke up this morning and have had some time to spend with Justin.
I ran into Sharron at Michaels and got to catch up a little bit.
All in all I have nothing valid to complain about. Yes, things have not gone completely my way today and yes, if I had it to do again I would probably change some things, but overall I cannot complain. I have clothes on my body, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am loved. I know that Jesus will provide for my every need as He has graciously done countless times before. I know that He will go before me, come after me, and surround me in every situation that I encounter.
He will be and always is faithful, even when I fail Him.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Deuces. Night.
Free... to grow and change and question and ponder and observe and move.
Sleepy. I really should be going to bed right now. I will in a few minutes.
So, I have moved. It was time. I'm holding true to my once a year move. Its kind of weird because its almost like I start getting the 'time to move' bug around mid-March every year. I have to say that I will be very glad when I am able to purchase a house and put down my own 'real' roots. Life will change so much for me then. It will be wonderful!!!
I feel like I'm running again. I don't really know what from or what to, but I am running. I find that I have been getting like this more and more. I miss the me that stood up to situations and people. The me that was motivated and believed in myself. The me that took the Bible as the truth that it is but that really let it affect me. I miss the me that let people in and that reacted to them.
Today, I watched Ocean's Thirteen and as the movie is ending one of the characters says "The moment you become embarrassed of who you are, you lose yourself." That sentence always strikes something in me, but today it struck particularly hard. It really makes me wonder if I am embarrassed of who I am. Am I embarrassed of who God has crafted and created me to be? Am I actually trying (and failing miserably) to run from myself?
This whole running thing was a part of my devotional a few days ago. The reference was 1 Corinthians 9:19-27 and it spoke about running in such a way to receive the prize. I was a collegiate athlete, a runner. I know what it means to run to receive the prize. I have done it. The movie referenced in the devotional was Chariots of Fire. It is about runners getting ready for the 1924 Olympics. There is one runner Harold Abrahams, who loses a race in the prelims and says that if he can't win, then he doesn't want to runner. His wise girlfriend says "if you don't run, you can't win". That is somewhat how I have been feeling lately. I don't think that I can win and so instead of trying anyway, I'm just not running.
I cannot tell you the last time I threw my heart over the line for someone or something. I don't remember.
I have come to the realization that not only do I not feel like running right now, but if I did run, what would I be running for? I talk a lot of big talk about Mary Kay. I enjoy it and believe that it has the ability to help me to reach other goals in my life. Is it wrong of me to use it as a means toward the end? I also talk about the coffee shop and art gallery/store that I want to own one day, but am I doing anything to make it happen now? Nope.
The big question is:
Am I even running now? If so, am I running with a prize in mind or am I running aimlessly?
Commencement is over. Its not necessarily sad. Not necessarily happy. Just a fact.
It amazes me how much events can take it out if you. I have recovered somewhat since Sunday. At the end of the day Sunday, my "I" was completely empty. My introvert was in desperate need of recharging. I have had some time to do that this week, but despite time to do that I still feel empty and somewhat pulled in multiple directions.
It is that time of year for me to think about moving again. As it turns out, I am in need of a new place to live, no later than the end of July. Right now, I have a possible new roommate, but we need to make a fast decision in order to get the apartment that we want. I am tired of having to make decisions fast about moving. I am tired of having to make decisions about moving period.
I just want to have a place that is mine. A place where I can paint and build and do everything that I want to. A place where I can stay. I don't want to move year after year after year.
I guess that will come with hardwork and being a good steward of my money. I am working hard to ensure that happens.
That's all for now. Boring, I know. Maybe more later tonight.
So somewhere along the road... between technical difficulties and life happening, I proceeded to put off blogging for about 3 months. For those who have checked for new blogs, I apologize. For those just tuning in, welcome.
Because I missed February and March (and most of April) I decided to make a Picasa photo album and put those pictures there. The link is:
I'm just going to start with today. It was a busy weekend. I helped with the Mason-Dixon Conference Track Meet in Salisbury, MD this weekend.
More than anything, the time in Maryland reminded me how much I care about people and how much inequality pushes my buttons. Even more than it pushes my buttons it makes me so mad I could scream. Inequality and incompetence they both make me want to scream at people. It usually takes a lot for me to get there and this weekend, I got there.
For the first time though I handled it much differently. Instead of talking about it and talking about it (oh I assure you that I did plenty of that), I actually talked to the person responsible for my frustration. It was wonderful. Incredibly freeing and I am glad that I did it. Even when the person that needs to hear it may not understand it, it still feels much better to get it off of your chest and make sure that the person who needs to know, knows.
I look forward to taking advantage of more opportunities, like I had this weekend. And hope that in the future, instead of getting so upset, that I will be able to help educate people when I find myself in this situation.
Until tomorrow. (I'm really going to try for tomorrow.)
So this morning dawned early...not so bright because of the rain and the fact that it was 6:30 ish when I got up. You read that correctly. I know, not exactly a 'Happy' wake up hour. I'm trying some new things in life right now. One of them is to get up earlier. And to establish a routine/stick to a schedule.
1.21.2010 So these are the Valentine's Day decorations that are on our kitchen table. This is what I decided to do after we finally took down the Christmas decorations this week. I just couldn't bear for there to be empty space. The table looked so lonely without decorations. (I also hung heart shaped sparkly garland above the table.)
1.22.2010 Yes, this is just a picture of my car. But there is a funny story behind the picture.... Friday morning when I got to work I had about 40 posters that I needed to carry up to my office on the 4th floor of the building. So I parked in an Admissions designated spot, turned my hazards on, and took all of the stuff upstairs. Around 3pm, I needed to go to the wearhouse across Warwick to pick up some items. I walked all the way out to the parking lot, only to then remember that my car was just outside of the building on the other side. I then remembered that I had left my hazards on...all day. Needless to say my battery was beyond dead. There were cars on either side of me and in the two spots in front of me. I called CNU PD and they brought a jump box, but my car was so dead that it wouldn't even catch well enough to start. Thankfully, one of the cars beside me ended up being my supervisors car and so she was able to give me a jump and got my car started.
1.23.2010 Good Saturday Morning Newport News! This was taken at City Center around 8:30am Sat morning. Yes, that is my shadow taking the pic. No, the pic is not supposed to be focused on the pole, that's just how it happened. I do not really know why, but this is the picture that made it for today. My coffee and muffin at Aroma's were good. I waited there for Justin to finish his employee meeting. Then we spent the day being lazy and watching movies. It was a good day.
1.24.2010 What you see here is what I found on my kitchen table when I got home Sunday night. It was lined up just like this. Oh Janet cracks me up. She is fun.
1.25.2010 This is my piggy bank. It collects my change until I need to spend it. Money weighs heavily on my mind tonight. I cling to the knowledge that "My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches and glory" (reference anyone?...I can't find it)
He is faithful even when we are not and for that I am incredibly thankful. He will provide.
AMEN!
I look forward to what tomorrow brings. Only He knows what the future holds.
