Sleepy. I really should be going to bed right now. I will in a few minutes.
So, I have moved. It was time. I'm holding true to my once a year move. Its kind of weird because its almost like I start getting the 'time to move' bug around mid-March every year. I have to say that I will be very glad when I am able to purchase a house and put down my own 'real' roots. Life will change so much for me then. It will be wonderful!!!
I feel like I'm running again. I don't really know what from or what to, but I am running. I find that I have been getting like this more and more. I miss the me that stood up to situations and people. The me that was motivated and believed in myself. The me that took the Bible as the truth that it is but that really let it affect me. I miss the me that let people in and that reacted to them.
Today, I watched Ocean's Thirteen and as the movie is ending one of the characters says "The moment you become embarrassed of who you are, you lose yourself." That sentence always strikes something in me, but today it struck particularly hard. It really makes me wonder if I am embarrassed of who I am. Am I embarrassed of who God has crafted and created me to be? Am I actually trying (and failing miserably) to run from myself?
This whole running thing was a part of my devotional a few days ago. The reference was 1 Corinthians 9:19-27 and it spoke about running in such a way to receive the prize. I was a collegiate athlete, a runner. I know what it means to run to receive the prize. I have done it. The movie referenced in the devotional was Chariots of Fire. It is about runners getting ready for the 1924 Olympics. There is one runner Harold Abrahams, who loses a race in the prelims and says that if he can't win, then he doesn't want to runner. His wise girlfriend says "if you don't run, you can't win". That is somewhat how I have been feeling lately. I don't think that I can win and so instead of trying anyway, I'm just not running.
I cannot tell you the last time I threw my heart over the line for someone or something. I don't remember.
I have come to the realization that not only do I not feel like running right now, but if I did run, what would I be running for? I talk a lot of big talk about Mary Kay. I enjoy it and believe that it has the ability to help me to reach other goals in my life. Is it wrong of me to use it as a means toward the end? I also talk about the coffee shop and art gallery/store that I want to own one day, but am I doing anything to make it happen now? Nope.
The big question is:
Am I even running now? If so, am I running with a prize in mind or am I running aimlessly?
in this moment, i just don't know.
PRAY.
for FREE.
